Like Gold

11.

11.

THE THING WITH DEPRESSION is that it's not always like it is in the movies. It's not crying in the rain. It's not watching sad movies. It's not being the pretty girl with a frown that walks around with a mysterious air about her – hiding a tragic secret from the world.

No.

It's feeling empty. It's going through your days like you're watching yourself from the outside, getting the bare minimum done. It's knowing you're a disappointment to your parents. Knowing you're a burden.

It's lying in bed for a week without showering until your hair is matted and your skin is grimy, but still not caring enough to fix it, because it was already October, and the anniversary was coming up soon.

It's still going to your volunteer job because you're scared your mother will lock you up in a psych ward again, but drifting through it, using muscle memory to run the class, forcing a smile onto your face so no one worries.

Except now, Jace was here, and he knew.

He watched me as I lead the class through our cool down, the water swishing across the heated pool as they copied my movements. And it was those damned brown eyes on me that told me – he knew. He knew I was pretending.

I forced my lips to stretch into a bigger smile, forced my voice to lilt happily, but his eyes only narrowed further. What was I doing wrong?

My stomach churned and I felt sick. Now was not the time to slip, because I wasn't better. That was the hard truth of it. I knew I wasn't better, and if anyone else figured it out this close to the anniversary – I was screwed.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I jumped, one hand digging into my pocket to stop the alarm as the other brought my whistle to my lips.

"That's it for today!" I yelled quickly, trying to keep my smile stable on my lips. "Thank you all for attending. I'll see you next week."

A murmur of 'thank you's and goodbyes echoed from the pool and I turned, avoiding Jace's eyes and speed walking towards today's register. I filled it out quickly, signing the bottom and the finish time of the session before dropping it off at the office and heading straight for the door.

There was no time for small talk. Not when Jace had been staring at me all morning with that look in his eyes – that look that meant he knew something.

I needed to leave before he could corner me.

I shoved through the glass doors, wind immediately hitting my face. I squinted through the cold breeze, my hands tightening around the handlebars of my bike as I wheeled it towards the footpath.

I had just reached the curb when suddenly the door opened behind me.

"Jasmine!"

I kept my head down, pushing my bike with an increased sense of urgency.

"Jas! Wait!"

I ignored him, continuing to walk as wind rushed in my ears.

"Come on, please?" His voice was closer – begging.

And my heart tugged, suddenly feeling guilty for pretending I couldn't hear him.

God, he didn't know when to let it go, did he?

I groaned, spinning to meet Jace's eyes. His hair was tousled, his t-shirt askew over his shoulders, and he tugged on it like he'd been in the middle of changing when he'd left. My eyes fell to his untied shoes, only confirming my suspicions.